


The Time In-Between

by Bini_28



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: A little bit of comfort, Angst, Anxiety, Crying, Drinking, Heartbreak, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, happens somewhen during chapter 20 of the manga, haruki nakayama centered, movie plot spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:26:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29180982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bini_28/pseuds/Bini_28
Summary: It was a completely ordinary summer night - the temperature dropped, breaking the day's heat, and a slight breeze was blowing. On any other night, Haruki would’ve loved to stand outside on his balcony and watch the lights of the city. It was his favorite kind of weather, when it wasn't hot anymore, but nowhere near actually cold. But today, it didn't seem appropriate.If it was a movie, Haruki thought, it would've rained, drops pouring on his face and blurring his vision along his tears. It would've at least been colder, and he would tug on his thin shirt and regret not taking a jacket while watching small puffs of steam escaping his mouth as he exhaled. But it wasn't a movie, it was reality. Painful, inescapable reality, where hopes he already gave up on were crushed.-----What happens after Haruki leaves his apartment, that one, awful night?
Relationships: referenced Kaji Akihiko/Nakayama Haruki
Comments: 4
Kudos: 70





	The Time In-Between

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this about a month ago, and it took me a while to complete it, as it is a very emotional and touchy story for me.  
> I waited until the movie came out to post it, so everyone can read it  
> I hope you enjoy reading this fic, it's really important to me and I really appreciate comments!

It was a completely ordinary summer night - the temperature dropped, breaking the day's heat, and a slight breeze was blowing. On any other night, Haruki would’ve loved to stand outside on his balcony and watch the lights of the city. It was his favorite kind of weather, when it wasn't hot anymore, but nowhere near actually cold. But today, it didn't seem appropriate.

If it was a movie, Haruki thought, it would've rained, drops pouring on his face and blurring his vision along his tears. It would've at least been colder, and he would tug on his thin shirt and regret not taking a jacket while watching small puffs of steam escaping his mouth as he exhaled. But it wasn't a movie, it was reality. Painful, inescapable reality, where hopes he already gave up on were crushed. 

The whole situation was unimaginable, and it was getting weirder the longer Haruki thought about it. He was walking down the streets well after midnight, nothing but his phone and apartment keys in his pockets. Meanwhile, in his own apartment, was Akihiko. As he left him there, his band-mate-former(?)-crush-shitty-person was sitting on his living room floor, shirtless. Haruki couldn't dare to look at his face. He managed to keep his voice clear as he told Akihiko he could stay the night, if he left in the morning, but the moment he closed the door behind him, the tears got the better of   
him. 

He wanted to get away from Akihiko, as far away as possible. Further than he ever let himself go in all the years he was clinging to his feelings. This was much harder than expected, Haruki was proved as he walked down the streets, out of his neighborhood, not even sure where he was heading. He walked past the parking lot where Akihiko dropped him off after giving him a ride, past the bus station he waited at for the bus to meet Akihiko and Yatake at a bar some night ages ago, past a convenience store that sold the brand of cigarettes Akihiko usually smoked, past a sign advertising Akihiko's favorite beer. It was impossible to get away. 

Haruki still felt Akihiko's touch on his skin - on his arms, on his chest, most of all on his face, that felt so hot he was going to explode. He wanted to take a shower and wash away all the bad feelings - but of course, it was impossible right now. No way he was returning to his apartment right now.

He was walking and crying for about an hour, before his legs gave up and he stumbled down on a bench in an empty playground. He kept crying and hated the fact he didn't take any tissue. 

It was all still surreal to him. About two hours ago, he was just heading to bed, that's when he saw Akihiko's text. What if he fell asleep just ten minutes earlier? Akihiko would stay outside, find another place to go, and none of this would've happened. But he let him in. Haruki always let Akihiko in. He let him in, in hope he would be let into Akihiko's life, into his heart. 

It was a habit he couldn't get rid of, even now - he let Akihiko stay at his apartment, instead of ordering him to leave in that moment and get away from him, now Haruki is the one wandering around the city, with nowhere to stay the night. He was truly hopeless, wasn't he?

His phone screen was free of new notifications, besides the numbers 1:37 on the top of the screen. Haruki was so tired, he just wanted to be at home, in the familiar protectiveness of his bed, or at least, just go to sleep. He didn’t know where to go. It was sad to admit, but he didn’t have many friends, at least not friends whose sofas would be available to crash on in that hour. Yatake was probably awake so late, but 

Haruki really could not deal with his judging questions and “I told you so”s that were bound to come if he showed up at his door in the middle of the night and explained what happened with Akihiko. Yatake never liked the drummer, and didn’t bother to hide it.

Slowly, he stopped crying - sometimes letting out a sob again when his mind refused to let go of the night’s memories. He wanted to listen to music, pop songs that always cheered him up, but he was in the middle of a neighbourhood very late at night, and he did not want to make any noise - his earphones were left at home, of course. It was after two in the morning when Haruki left the playground and kept walking.

After another 20 minutes of walking he found himself in a livelier part of the city, where restaurants, minimarkets and bars were still open, even at the hour of almost three in the morning. A sign down the street caught Haruki’s eye - “Music pub”. As he got closer, he heard the sound of guitars and singing coming through the transparent door. 

Cracking a little smile on his face, he got into the place. It seemed just like what he needed right now, music and people to fill up his mind and not leave him alone with his thoughts - and a bit of alcohol wouldn’t be bad, either.

“A beer, please” Haruki said in a voice hoarse after hours of not letting a word out but sobs. The barman was a cool guy with green hair and tattoos on his arms. And a lip piercing, because of course the world just loved to hurt Haruki. The guy smiled at his slumping figure and filled him a glass. Haruki always had spare money in his phone case for backup and emergencies, and he decided this situation was bad enough to use it.

“Rough night?” the guy asked, probably trying to figure out what a college student, dressed in his pajama shirt, eyes glinting from tears, was doing at his place. Haruki just nodded - he wasn’t sure he could use his voice any more at the moment - and gratefully took his glass and found a distant table to sit at and observe the bar.  
It was a lovely place, cozy and filled with pleasant chatter and rock covers of popular american songs. The place wasn’t full, as it was a late hour on a weekday, and most people were around his age, maybe a bit younger. There were a few couples and a few groups - he was the only one who came here alone. Great. Now he couldn’t help but think how fun it could be, to come here with Akihiko and Yatake. Haruki finished up most of his beer in one gulp.

After the band played a couple of songs, they put the instruments back on their stands - there were two guitars, a bass, a drumset and an electric piano, as well as three microphones. A few minutes later, three guys stepped up to the middle of the place, starting to play a japanese rock song. Haruki realized that was the uniqueness of the place - musicians could come over and play their music for free there. Maybe he could suggest a small performance to the rest of his band. That is, as soon as he’ll be able to face Akihiko.

When the second band finished up, the hour was past four, and the place was getting emptier. Haruki, after two glasses of beer, drained and tired, stood up after seeing no one else claimed the instruments. He grabbed the bass - a similar model to his own, good quality. There was a pick on the amplifier, so he took it and strummed a chord. It echoed in Haruki’s ears as he felt the eyes of the few people turning towards him and his breath got stuck in his throat. He strummed another few chords, trying to return the familiar feeling to his well-trained fingers and to calm his breath. You’ve done this countless times, he reminded himself. You’ve performed live in front of actual crowds, you played much more complicated pieces. You enjoy music, you enjoy playing the bass.   
His hands automatically started playing one of Given’s songs - well, actually, The Seasons’ song, they wrote this one more than a year ago, when they just started the band. He played it probably a thousand times. The movements of his fingers were easy and familiar, but he was still out of breath, it wasn’t right.

He did do it countless times, he performed and played in lives many times, but it was never alone. He didn't perform solo, it was too lonely, and it made him feel vulnerable. Being a part of a band meant you were surrounded by people you love and love you back, while you all do something you love. Now he didn’t have a band with him, and he wasn’t even sure if the people in his band actually loved him - one of them didn’t, that’s for sure. The thoughts clouded Haruki’s head, his hands on autopilot.

The song wasn’t long, shorter than three minutes, but by the time Haruki finished playing it, his chest hurt and his legs felt weak. He put down the bass carefully and stumbled back to his table, aware eyes still followed his weird figure - a young bassist, playing a song obviously meant for a band by himself, slightly drunk, with eyes still red from tears. He buried his head between his hands on the table, his eyes filling up again.   
He would’ve ordered another drink if it didn’t mean he needed to face people to do it. 

Haruki was nauseous. What had caught him while he was playing? It wasn’t stage fright, he wasn’t scared of crowds and he was mostly confident in his musical abilities - even though he was aware he isn’t too talented. It was probably the fact that music, playing the bass, and specifically their own songs were connected to Akihiko in his head. Shit. Does it mean he lost the ability to play any of their songs, because Akihiko had ruined them forever for him? Was he able to play any other song? He was afraid of trying, because failure would crush him. Music filled his life, especially in the past two years - just like Akihiko. The latter was ruined for him, but was the first too? He felt panic rise in his chest. 

Haruki ran his hands through his hair again and again, tying and untying it, brushing through the long strands, braiding it and letting it loose, trying without success to calm himself down. The hair was raising more Akihiko thoughts, after all, he was the reason he started growing out his hair to begin with. He wanted to get rid of it, right now, shave it all off this moment for all he cares. Of course, it was impossible, as he was at a bar at 4:30 in the morning and he wouldn’t trust his trembling hands with anything sharper than a guitar pick - and apparently even the guitar was too big of a responsibility for him as well.

Someone tapped his shoulder. Haruki jumped at his place, and let out a little startled gasp. The innocent touch sent electricity through his body and he wanted to curl up in a ball and run away. He turned around, he was still a little breathless from before and this didn't help, but it was only a girl, around his age, with dyed red hair and extremely thick eyeliner. 

“Ah, sorry,” She said, smiling shyly. “I didn’t mean to scare you, you just seemed really out of it, are you okay?”  
Haruki let out a bitter chuckle - something he wouldn't usually do, but he was very worn out right now - why would that random girl be interested in him? What did she want from him? At the back of his mind, he was aware he would've done the same thing, if he saw a stranger crying in a bar at an early morning hour. But when it was a stranger approaching him, he was alerted. He wanted to trust that girl, he really did, but he wasted all his trust capacity of the night on Akihiko, which of course, completely blew up in his face.

"I…" He started, but his voice just refused to cooperate, just like his fingers when he played the bass earlier. Breathing was still tough for him and the moment he opened his mouth tears filled his eyes again. 

"Take your time," the girl suggested. "Do you want me to get you some water?" Haruki nodded. After drinking the offered cup, he could breathe better again. 

"Thank you." He said. "I am not having the best night,"   
The girl smiled again. "That seems like an understatement. What's wrong?" 

Haruki opened his mouth to answer, but stopped himself. She was a stranger, he didn't know anything about her, could he just tell her about the night's events? This night's events… the mere thought of them made a sob escape his mouth. 

"Hey, it's okay," the girl said, reaching her hand to pat his shoulder, but held herself back. "Are you okay with being touched?" Haruki shook his head, he wasn't sure he could handle it right now, even though the girl was so kind and considerate. "No problem. You don't have to tell me anything, of course, but I feel like you could use someone to talk to." He could, he would be really happy to talk with someone, maybe someone who would get mad at him for telling him about a dilemma he's facing, unlike a very specific person. 

"Yeah, you're right…" Haruki mumbled and finished his water. He considered where to start, by tonight's events? Maybe the dilemma of playing support for his ex's band? Or go all the way back to his first meeting with Akihiko? "It's a long story, though" 

"It's okay, I have time." the girl reassured him. "My friends are over there, but they're a couple, so I was kinda third-wheeling them all night. I was looking for a chance to talk to someone, and you seemed lonely, so," 

The word echoed in Harukis ears. At first, he wanted to deny it. Yes, he was sitting alone, but he wasn't lonely. He had friends, he had Given. But he still was here at the bar, because there wasn't really anyone he could turn to. 

"Okay… Um… where should I start?" 

"Maybe in what brought you here?" 

"Oh, well, I needed a place to spend the night, so I was just kinda wandering around, and then I found this place."

"Spend the night? Why? Did something happen?" She sounded concerned. 

"No, well, yeah, it's just… My friend…" the word had a bitter taste on his mouth when describing Akihiko. Was he a friend? "Um, bandmate. He's over at my apartment. But I can't face him right now, so I left."

"But it's your apartment, couldn't you tell him to leave?" 

"No. He needed help. He really had nowhere to go, I just…" He felt stupid. He agreed to help Akihiko even after everything he's done. He needed to help Akihiko, still. 

"You sound really kind," the girl said. "May I ask why you couldn't face him?"   
Haruki was silent for a minute, looking down at the table. He couldn't exactly explain why. "He… Hurt me. I love…d him," his heart ached at the use of past tense, but he couldn't hold on to his stupid feelings anymore. "Things were hard in our band, and I… Was running away, so he got mad. And he… He knew that I loved him and he knew I knew he didn't love me back." He glanced at the girl through his hair, without showing his face, carefully viewing her reaction to him coming out. It was said casually, but it took him great effort to get the words out. Yatake was the only one he told directly, other people, like Akihiko, just assumed. The girl didn't show any special reaction. 

"He was mad but he wouldn't tell me why. I know it wasn’t just because I am a coward, there was a deeper reason. He never trusted me, after all this time." Haruki continued, even though it was getting harder to speak again. “I would do anything for him, literally anything. For the past two years, I tried… a few months ago, he told me I am “always saving him”. I was happy back then, because it meant I succeeded, I was able to help him, I was needed. But… I think I was wrong. I wasn’t helping him, I was saving his ass every single time. No one else could help him, it's not that he chose me, he didn’t have anyone else and I was the easiest person to turn to.” He started rambling, he talked and talked, explained the relationship he had with Haruki, and as he spoke, he realized things, things he never let himself think about.

For the first time, he allowed himself to be mad at Akihiko. Haruki wasn’t the guy to get easily angered, he preferred a peaceful approach to anything. But tonight, a line was crossed, and Haruki could not turn a blind eye to Akihiko’s behaviour anymore just because he liked him and was a band member. Now, when he got himself started, and actually thought through about his relationship with Akihiko, he found so many reasons to be actually mad. Haruki hated being mad at people, he hated making others feel guilty, but this time? As he recalled all the times Akihiko shut into himself, hiding things even when Haruki was an open book, there for him at all times, he felt his body filling with frustration he denied for a very long time.

He told all of that to the girl, who listened quietly, realizing he needed to let everything out. Every once in a while, she asked him stuff, just enough to know she was interested in his story, or to understand a detail he missed in his emotions. He wasn’t sure for how long he was already talking, but he got lost in a train of thoughts. It was honestly a miracle he managed to actually make sense in his words, usually he turned into a complete mess, trying to speak when he was so emotional. 

“It’s just unfair,” Haruki said, “I haven’t done anything in an attempt to make him upset, or hurt him, I just wanted to be the one who makes him feel better.” he said, for the fifth time at least. And then some thought sank in in his mind, and he felt his chest aching. 

He couldn't be the one who makes Akihiko feel better, and more than that - Akihiko didn’t want him to be. Some things just can't be helped. Haruki just gave himself pathetic excuses to stay close to the guy he liked, but it was pointless. He was a complete good-for-nothing, dragging his band down with his average skill, wasting Akihiko's time. Wasting his own time. 

It's not like he actually believed he had any romantic chance with Akihiko - the drummer was way out of his league, and sometimes, his eyes would cloud in a way Haruki knew his own did too, in longing for something, someone so close, yet out of reach. By this evening, he already gave up on his romantic fantasies, he just wanted to be someone Akihiko could trust.

Haruki really thought he was slowly becoming that person. Akihiko was relying on him, he needed his support some times, and it made Haruki feel complete, important.   
But now another word was floating into his mind as he thought about the relationship the two of them had.  
Used.

He was used by Akihiko, all this time. He gave and he gave, a cheering smile, free time, a deep conversation during a smoking break, a sofa to crash on, all the love his heart had to offer. Akihiko knew how he would do anything for him, and took it to his advantage, rewarding Haruki by affirming some kind of affection and acknowledgement, which were all Haruki asked for. And he was convinced it was okay, because it made sense - when Akihiko was in need, he would help. That’s what friends do, what people who love each other do.

How did he never realize that before? Two years of so called friendship, and he never stopped and actually thought about what good had this relationship done to him. Another scary truth hit him - it was because he was scared of thinking about it until now. Whenever a doubt about Akihiko started creeping into his mind, he pushed it aside.   
He didn't want to consider the option that Akihiko wasn’t as good as Haruki’s feelings made him seem, because this is what happened when he realized all the problems they had - he was a wreck now.

Haruki was talking more to himself than the girl, and he started shaking. He felt so bad, pathetic and weak.

“It’s not your fault.” The girl said, interrupting his spiralling train of thought. Haruki looked at her direction as she continued. “You haven't done anything wrong. Wanting to   
help your friends is an amazing quality.”

“But is it really? If it resulted in nothing good for either of us.” Haruki said.

“It is. Maybe this time it did not work out, maybe this relationship was not right for the two of you. From what you told me about this Akihiko guy, he seemed like a person who has a lot of his own issues, and maybe it isn’t the best for you.”

“So what should I do about it? I can’t leave him. I mean, I am angry at him. I would cut ties with him but I can’t, I really can’t. First of all, there is the band, and it’s already hard enough right now, I don’t want to put this burden on Uechi and Mafuyu. And I don’t know how I could… you know, get rid of my feelings that easily.” Haruki explained.

“Of course, it makes sense. I know how you feel, it’s hard to let go of loved ones, no matter how shitty they acted, and it’s easy to take the blame on yourself.” The girl said, and haruki felt bad for being the only one who talked through this night, maybe she needed help too. She didn’t seem to mind, but Haruki still felt selfish. “I think you should try to keep a distance, leave out stuff that you held on to just because of these feelings. Start with the small stuff, daily stuff that makes you think about him or reminiscence on old feelings.”

Haruki thought about it. He couldn’t think of any of these things at the moment, because as he got to realise earlier, pretty much everything reminded him of Akihiko. “It is a good idea, It’s just scary to face, after all this time.” Haruki said.

“Of course it is,” The girl said. “Hey, do you want to drink something?” she suggested.

“Um, maybe not alcohol, I think coffee could help me, I'm so exhausted.” They both got up and went to the bar, where the bartender smiled at the girl.

“Oy, Shiki, another round of three beers?” he asked cheerfully, and she shook her head and ordered one beer and one coffee.

“Wait, your name’s Shiki?” It only now clicked in Haruki’s mind he never asked her for her name. He felt his cheeks flushed in embarrassment. Shiki laughed and nodded. 

“Yeah, and you’re Haruki, right? You mentioned it before when you explained how you chose your band name.” She said. “You didn’t ask for my name, and I felt it was more important to let you vent a little bit than for you to know how my parents chose to call me when I was born."

“Oh my god, I can’t believe I actually came out to you before I even knew your name.” Haruki said as he thought about it. He told a lot of personal stories that night, and the thought of asking the nice girl for her name never crossed his mind, he’s such an idiot. 

Shiki laughed again a little bit. “I’m sorry, usually I’m much nicer.” He added.

“According to your stories, I’m sure you are,” She answered. "And I'm really happy you could put your trust in me," 

When they returned to the table with their drinks, the conversation was flowing between them. Now they started to properly know each other, talking about everyday subjects. Haruki was glad, it was the distraction he needed right now, something casual and fun, two students meeting in a bar to have a good time. 

He wasn't sure what time it was, when Shiki's friends approached their table and announced they were leaving. Shiki smiled apologetically at Haruki. "I have to go, I don't have a car of my own and Sakura here is my ride," her friend waved. 

"Oh, okay…" Haruki felt his heart sinking a little bit. He really did have fun. "I really don't have enough words to thank you," he said sincerely. 

"With pleasure, I'm happy to know you," she said as she left with her friends.   
Haruki was left alone at the bar. The moment the door closed behind Shiki and her friends, his emotions hit him like a wave. Of course he'll be alone again eventually. And when he's alone, the thoughts follow him back into his mind again. Haruki was reminded of his helplessness, his endless tries of doing something that failed, his cowardice, his inability to stand up for himself. 

His fingers started tapping restlessly on the table, he was still buzzed from the coffee, but his mind was so tired. He didn't want to be there anymore, he wanted to go home.   
He checked his phone, it was almost seven in the morning. Akihiko was probably still at his house, "Morning" was a wide definition, he might not be gone until eleven, and texting him to check was not an option. 

He was tired of the bar, so he got out and started walking, once again without a purpose, thoughts of Akihiko invading his mind again. Maybe caffeine wasn't a good idea, as his anxiety was rising in his chest now and he could not rest for a second. He needed a familiar place, something comforting to calm himself down. He thought of the studio, but they were paying per hour only for rehearsals and it was closed anyway, not to mention it was like a farm for Akihiko related memories. His parents lived out of Tokyo, and a long train ride was the last thing he needed right now. 

He looked at his phone, quarter past seven. Traffic filled the streets around him, people heading to work, while Haruki was a mess of exhaustion and heartbreak. Luckily, he didn't have any shifts today, he would've called in sick if he had. Mafuyu and Uenoyama were probably on their way to school, and Yatake just got out of his house, which was actually quite close to where Haruki was at the moment. 

An idea popped on his mind, and twenty minutes later he was at Yatake's apartment. He had a spare key, because his friend lost his own very often. The house was empty, as he suspected, but familiar in a way that made his heartbeat slow down. He made himself a cup of tea, and considered taking a shower but had no spare clothes. Maybe he should've informed Yatake he was coming over, but he felt like distancing himself from everything and anyone. 

He fell asleep on Yatake's couch at some point, the lack of sleep getting to him. When he woke up, it was already afternoon. It took Haruki a few moments to register where he was, and why he was there. 

Remembering the circumstances that brought him to Yatake's house was almost as bad as the experience itself. He felt his breath rushing again and his body shaking. Tears filled his eyes again, and started flowing before he could control them. Oh God it was so bad, he felt pathetic and useless. The overthinking spiral tightened around him - Akihiko, a lost friendship, failing to be important, being used, being hurt, being naive, being lonely, being talentless.

Haruki hugged one of the pillows of the couch, clutching in and trying to keep his breath steady - which mostly failed. He thought about Shiki, the girl from the bar. He forgot to ask her for her phone number, damn it, he could really use another talk with her, she’s the only thing that made him calm down since he left the apartment.

Maybe he should go home? It was already afternoon, Akihiko should’ve left already. He sure hoped the apartment would be empty as he returned there, but the thought of returning to an empty place, after being alone since the early morning, made his heart sink. He preferred waiting for Yatake to come back, and figure out everything later.

Haruki spotted a pack of cigarettes and a lighter on Yatake’s desk. He wouldn’t mind if his friend would take one, right? Yatake was usually the one whose pack always ran out when he was hanging out with Haruki, so it was fair. Haruki grabbed a cigarette and the lighter and got out to the balcony, the wind sending chills on his arms.

Smoking helped him calm his nerves a little bit. It was another familiar habit that helped him feel better, even though he was aware of the unhealthy consequences it had - he always excused it by telling himself he didn’t smoke that often. He even managed to keep Akihiko off his mind for most of the time, which was an achievement, considering their joint smoking breaks during rehearsals were often moments that made Haruki fall for him even more.

After he was done smoking, he stayed outside, he needed to breathe. A little after four, he saw Yatake walking down the street, probably back from the train station. Their eyes met for a second, and a concerned look flashed on his friend’s face. He knew his friend was going to appear at the door at any second, asking him what the hell he’s doing in his house. He would ask what happened, and Haruki would have to explain.

Oh no, here it comes. Haruki felt the panic and nausea rise in his chest, as he tried to think how he should tell Yatake what happened. Come to think of it, he never actually told Yatake about having a crush on Akihiko. Yatake was the one who helped him figure out what was going on with his sexuality when Haruki just met the drummer, but he never named the person who turned him speechless with every look. Haruki suspected his older friend did know about his feelings, but they never talked about them, as Haruki knew what was his opinion on Akihiko.

As much as he was mad at Akihiko, Haruki did not want to hear Yatake start a rant about how he should’ve never trusted Akihiko and give up on his feelings. Hearing these words will definitely make him feel much worse. He got back into the apartment, dropping on the couch just as he heard the keys turning in the door.

“Haruki!” Yatake called. “Are you alright?”

“Hey, Take-chan,” Haruki said. “How was work?” changing the subject until he had a better idea how to explain everything seemed like a good plan.

“Shut up, don't make it about me, are you crying?” Yatake asked as he got closer. Haruki shook his head, which wasn’t a lie, because he wasn’t crying at the moment, he just spent a lot of the past hours with teary eyes. “Do you want some tea?” Haruki nodded.

The tea was delicious and Haruki calmed down a little again, but he was completely zoned out as Yatake attacked him with questions, his voice full of concern. In the back of Haruki’s brain, he felt bad for avoiding his questions, but in his mind he tried to sort through his own feelings - as he was trying for the past 16 hours.

He tried to imagine what Yatake would say if he was honest with him and told him about Akihiko. “Nothing good could come out of a relationship in a band, let alone have a one sided crush on an asshole like him,” something like that.  
If he really only could get rid of his feelings that easily, he wouldn't be sitting here right now. If only he could cut off that part of his heart that exploded whenever Akihiko was next to him, things would've been simpler. Haruki ran his hand through his hair and sighed. 

"Haruki, what's going on with you? You're not listening, right? That's how I know Something's wrong," Yatake's voice echoed in the background. 

Then Haruki thought of something, he remembered a sentence Shiki said earlier this morning. "leave out stuff that you held on to just because of these feelings"

Things he held on to, he suddenly realized. Something with great significance for him, something he treasured and almost prided himself in, even though it got him weird stares and questions from time to time. It was kind of like his feelings for Akihiko - made no actual sense and were judged by everyone who knew about it, but it was something so emotionally rooted in his heart after two years, so he kept going, even when it was uncomfortable and hurting. 

He knew what to do, and Take-Chan could help him. 

"Take-Chan, I have a request." He said, probably interrupting him mid-sentence.

"Huh?" his friend said, clearly surprised as the sudden change of tone in Haruki's eyes, which were focused again. 

"You cut your own hair, do you?" Haruki asked. 

"Yeah, I do, but-" Yatake widened his eyes as he realised. "Do you want me to… your hair…"

Haruki nodded. 

"What's going on with you? For two years you never let anyone get near your hair with anything sharper than a finger. Are you sure about it? Are you okay?" 

"Yes, and no." Haruki said bitterly. He should've expected all these questions. 

"Go take a shower. I think you're not really in the right headspace right now, and if you're really sure about it, you need your hair to be wet anyway. I'll get you clean clothes." Yatake suggested and Haruki obeyed. 

He looked in the mirror before he took off his clothes. He didn't see himself since the previous evening, but now he understood why Yatake sounded so worried. He was a mess, not only his hair but his face, darkened by the bags under his eyes and the look in his eyes - tired, heartbroken, hopeless. He definitely needed a change. And a shower. 

As he soaked his hair with water, he was deep in thought. He let his hair grow for two years, as long as he knew Akihiko. Cutting it would be a clear statement - the time of falling naively in love was over, he wasn't blind anymore. He wondered if Akihiko knew why Haruki kept his hair long, just like he knew about his feelings. Having short hair might not make the feelings disappear, but the golden strands were full of memories of other times, the ones he wanted to leave behind. No more hoping Akihiko would pick up a hair strand and no more thrilled heartbeat when he did do it. 

"Did you change your mind?" Yatake said as Haruki returned to the living room wearing his clothes. Haruki shook his head with a determined look on his face. "Okay, sit here," he gestured towards a chair and grabbed hair scissors. 

Haruki sat down and heard his friend's footsteps behind him. He felt a hand running through his hair and felt a chill through his spine. A comb brushed through the wet strands. 

"You still owe me an explanation. What brought you here when I wasn't at home? Is it related to why you decided to get rid of your hair?" 

"I had a small fight with Akihiko" was all Haruki said, and the silence at the end of the sentence made it clear he wasn't going to elaborate. Yatake let go of his hair for a second and hummed like he was deep in thought, and then resumed brushing it. 

"How short do you want it?" he asked. 

"I don't know. Short. Like I had in my first year of college I guess? Do you remember that?" Haruki said. First year of college. Before he met Akihiko. He was in a band with his girlfriend at the time. Everything was simpler. 

"Yeah, of course. It was quite embarrassing, I have to admit, but I'll make it look good now. You had quite a glow up, too, you have a beard now!" Yatake's talk tried to brighten the mood, but it didn't help Haruki. He curled up on the chair and closed his eyes as he heard the snipping sound behind him. 

No turning back now, he thought to himself. He passed a point of no return. Maybe that point was even earlier, last night, when Akihiko said what he said and did what he did. What happened next was unknown, for better or worse. The next few days or weeks or months are going to be difficult, but he will have to face them, he will have to change.   
He isn't like Akihiko, he wouldn't be stuck in the past anymore, he'll do what's good for him and stand up for himself. 

"Done!" Yatake declared and let Haruki towards the bathroom mirror, and Haruki stared.   
It was indeed similar to his freshman year hair, but he looked older than he looked back then - mainly thanks to his light beard, as Yatake pointed out. His face was serious, not as devastated as he was earlier. He still felt bad, he still felt lost, but something did change in him. 

"Thank you, Take-Chan," Haruki told Yatake. "I can always count on you. Do you have any plans for this afternoon? I really don't want to go back home right now, and I'm starving," Haruki's stomach made an upset voice to approve the fact he didn't eat anything since his previous dinner, almost an entire day ago. 

"Free as a bird," Yatake smiled, "and I heard a new pizza place opened right down the street"

The food made him feel better, and so did the movie they watched while eating it. Another great distraction, but it was getting late, and Haruki had a morning shift on the next day, so he said his goodbye. 

The wind brushed against his exposed neck, a feeling he didn't experience in years, but it made him feel good, in control. He can make things okay now, for his own sake, for the first time.


End file.
